Paging Dr.Faggot

PAGING DR. FAGGOT

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My first payday, babay

I would have to say that third grade was a pretty exciting time in my life. I remember it pretty well. There was my teacher, Mrs. Kerstein, and her monetary system, Kerstein Cash. So basically we used to get this kind of monopoly-like money bills from her. 

Well, needless to say I was loaded with this cash and all of the girls wanted me.

We earn the money by turning in homework, getting to school on time, and doing a bunch of other miscellaneous activities, So she usually threw a couple bills here and there.

Another way we earned the money was by doing well in a game called “Around the World”, which was basically fancy talk for “Me having the ability to fuck up other kids through my extreme skill to recite the mathematic tables”. Yeah, it was solely two people against each other in the front of the class at a time, and the teacher shouts out two numbers, and whoever finds the product of the two numbers first, wins. The winner goes on to the next student, while the loser sits back down in his chair like the sorry disgrace he is.

I almost always got to the end, since everyone in the class was really dumb. The last person, for the person who gets to the end, has to face the teacher herself. I usually lost, but the teacher was fat anyways so it’s k.

There were major kerstein cash prizes for whoever made it to the end, so this was basically my revenue. 

At the end of each semester, there would be a major auction, where the teacher would bring in fabulous toys and stuff for the kids to bid on. Everyone didn’t have as much money as I did, and since I was stacked with so much cash, I could basically buy everything without having to worry about anyone having to outbid me.

At the end of the year, my teacher set up the final auction. There were pretty nice prizes. Bouncy balls, hills upon hills of candy, books. But this fat Mexican kid who sat next to me had his eyes on this one retarded as fuck prize.

Cinnamon. omg why would you buy cinnamon when there are bouncy balls.

anyways, so the kid who sat next to me was like “Hey, can I have 100 dollars to bid on the cinnamon?”

and I was like “Yeah sure man you seem to have come to this country on a floating door so I’ll give you a helping hand no”.

But that was before he pulled out this real legit $100 bill.

"Hey dude I’ll trade you this $100 if you give me your $100 kerstein money"

I was like “Wait, are you serious.” I was going to tell this punk that he could buy like 223748297 bags of fucking cinnamon with that money but of course I didn’t say that to this dumb mexican 8D

So we completed our transaction without anyone knowing and he bought his damn bag of cinnamon with the money, while I basically just got everything else. 

Really? You think I’m that mean. Not letting anyone else spend their hard-earned kerstein cash on stuff? Of course I’m not THAT mean. I let them buy beautifully decorated bookmarks okay

So as the class finished up and I put everything in my backpack, the school year had almost ended, and I couldn’t wait to tell my parents that I made $100.

But of course, something bad always happens. 

I go to the afterschool program my school had, where it was basically a bunch of high-school dropouts watching kids play their gameboys. ufgh

I have the $100 bill in my pocket, just getting so excited I couldn’t resist the urge to show someone. why am i so fucking dumb

I show one of the people who watch the program. Her name was Krystal. Of course I remember her. She was such a fatass bitch who had changed her name from “Anna”, to a whore name spelled with a “K”.

As I showed her the money, I was thinking to myself “oh dear god what have I done”, and I asked for the bill back, but she was like “You’re not supposed to be carrying this type of money around- blah blah I’m such a whore look at how my stomach protrudes in an odd fashion.”

A little later after questioning me, she took the money to the principal, and the mexican kid had his mom pick him up, and she retrieved the money from the office.

I was out $100.

goddamn

this sucks

I could’ve gotten a bag of cinnamon. 


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rniko asked: lol @ your basketball post it's totes okay because nobody gives a horseshit about middle school 8D

okay.jpg

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Just something that came up

I used to play basketball for my team at my middle school…

With hardly any prior game experience.

My dad forced me to join since he was a dickface who had tax cred

"Are you kidding me?! I can’t play basketball!"

"No, you’re playing basketball, and that’s it."

Every day after school I would go to the local basketball court with the entire team and start shooting hoops and practicing. 

I wasn’t really all that good.

Although one time I actually made four free throws in a row. After the tryouts I was picked as a forward god knows why, maybe it was because I could run fast, or just the team sucked.

It was probably the team sucking. 

There were actually good players on the team, though. There weren’t just kids who study all day that go to basis; there were dumb ass punks whose parents wanted them to get a better education, although they’ve never put in the effort.

So on to my first game. It was horrendous, really. 

I wore long pants. I don’t even know what I was thinking.

In the crowds I could just knew everyone was laughing at me. I didn’t even want to play, I just wanted to sit on the bench.

After an hour or some time the game was over and we lost.

My stats? 0 assists, 0 shots, 0  everything.

God, I was so embarrassed. I hated my dad so much at this point.

Still kind of do.

Filed under Past memories I'm such a faggot for writing this

4 notes

ONLY BECAUSE YOU GUYS made me write it :’((((

AIGHT. so this is kind of embarrassing, and I hope that people who might find this awkward won’t read it.

this is my first time experience with the pleasure of my peniz.

Really this is kinda embarrassing

The setting takes place at walgreens. My local Walgreens. 

My parents were getting some medications at the pharmacy section, and I was off exploring the other aisles with my sister.

Oh yeah, I was about 12(?) when this first happened. 

As I was walking around the aisles with my sister, something caught my eye. 

My sister ventured off to look at food and such, while I explored the thing that interested me.

A massager yes okay a massager

one of those automatic massagers that you just press a button and it starts rumbling.

I was intrigued to say the least. 

And I know ya’ll are like omg lol michael is going to put dat massager on his penis

and i did 

But before that I put the massager on my back because it felt so good

but then I thought “wow this felt so good why don’t I put it on my genitals”

Keep in mind I was 12 at the time and this WAS my first time.

now this new feeling felt pretty good to me so I just kept it there for a bit.

It was a feeling like drop down to your knees kind of good.

And then my sister walked by and saw me doing it and was like “nigga what the fuck do you think you are doing”. I was kind of embarrassed but I didn’t think much of it since she didn’t say much after it. 

When my parents got their medicine I just left the store with a slight boner. 

This pretty much sums up my first experience. yep kind of weird huh. Nothing serious happened and by nothing serious I mean there was no clean up on aisle 5.

Yeah, hatechu guise 

2 notes

Things you probably didn’t know about me

  • I really don’t like eating any meat besides chicken, pork, beef, quail, mule, horse, duck, goose, veal, lamb, muskrat, dirt, and human.
  • When I was younger I went to the library for the sole purpose of playing runescape on the public computers. Story of everyone’s life.
  • I hate going back to China. I’ve been there almost every other year since I was 10 and it sucks so much omg. Seriously I always have to hold in my poop whenever I visit my aunts and uncles since the toilets are just holes in the fucking ground and they smell oh god. It’s also so dusty and the market is ghetto and there are people on the street begging me for money yeah there was this one guy who took my leftovers from a restaurant when I walked out I was like wtf nigga who do you think you is.
  • welsh corgis are da best
  • I used to be bomb diggity at chess. Last time when I played at the state tournament I was ranked 12th in state. But I quit playing chess since it got really boring and I took up tennis. My dad was also really mad at me and he always compared me to black people whenever the “I quit chess” topic came up. :’((((((((((((
  • I think I can say drawing penises on other people’s papers and homeworks are my hobby
  • I am such a sex riot come at me
  • I love you if you can spell and have good grammar
  • I love you when I get to know you 8D
  • Usually do not like mexicans is that racist
  • I’m pretty awkward around new people
  • I can remember things that happened years ago, but can’t really remember things that happened a few seconds ago.
  • I can remember things that happened years ago, but can’t really remember things that happened a few seconds ago.
  • I can remember things that happened years ago, but can’t really remember things that happened a few seconds ago.
  • I hate cussing so much
  • fuck
  • haw

0 notes

Bashas

I was super bored today so I walked to my local Bashas to buy some food.

food

So yeah I went to grab some mothafuckin’ ranch doritos and I saw that it was on sale for 2 dollars off if I had the Bashas card. Well, like most store’s policies, if your parents or a family member has a card, you can just tell the cashier what phone number the card was put under. This method gives you the discount so it’s the same as having the card.

Well. I do this.

a lot.

When I went to checkout, I told the cashier the phone number, and after inputting it in, she said:

Don’t you come here often and use a phone number to get discounts?”

I basically replied with:

"Yeah I guess haha…"

I’m never going back again.

Filed under omfg

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kennunu asked: http://i1187.photobucket.com/albums/z388/iStudy/mikowhofairy.png

i made thuss fur you. the thought of dr.faggot made me think of flaming gay fairies.

derp derp. c:

omfg I love it

0 notes

tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?

Well, tumblrbot, my earliest human memory was when the gaping crevice (I later learned was my mother’s vagina), was opening and a flood of light rushed in. I ran toward that exit and reached my hands and head out as if trying to find something sturdy to grab on to-

BUT THEN A WHIRLING VORTEX OF DARKNESS APPEARED AT MY FEET AND SUDDENLY I WAS SUCKED BACK INTO THIS WALLOWING PIT OF DOOM BUT WITH THE HELP OF SUDDEN WIND COMING FROM MY MOTHER’S GENITALS I BURST OUT AND LANDED IN THE ARMS OF MY FATHER, Who was actually quite grossed out at how much poop I had on me, since poop comes out of the vagina, yaknow?

long story short

My mom’s vajayjay was wrecked.

I was a fat baby.

1 note

FUCKING EMPTY CONTAINERS.

why do my parents reuse EMPTY CONTAINERS.

nonono, it’s not even like, reusing empty containers. 

it’s saving empty containers just in case they need to reuse them.

why

We don’t need a shitload of empty containers taking up space in our kitchen pantry.

omfg I just found Halloween special cereal from 2004 behind all these empty containers.

but it was lucky charms so whatev.

Filed under Ranting